I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
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Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”