I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
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If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Just so funny
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.