Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
The Struggle
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]