Woke up with morning Yule Log
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Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet