I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
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[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”