Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
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If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.