Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
me refusing to leave twitter
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.