*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
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M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
british sex workers really pound for pound
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”