why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
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Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Its true…
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]