*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
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My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news