People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.