The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
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Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”