Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
time machine? you mean a clock?
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket