Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
You Might Also Like
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked