it is time once again
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
wow
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat