I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?