Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
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Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Nothing to do, you say?
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.