TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
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I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.