Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
You Might Also Like
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
when mom throws a party…
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.