i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
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him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Born to be mild.