“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
You Might Also Like
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.