Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house