Bartenders are just boneless bars
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[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
i was baptized in a car wash
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
A new level of troll.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.