i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
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I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Stop.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”