ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
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“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.