“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?