H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.