I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
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Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Flowers bee like
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.