Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
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I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.