I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
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ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.