“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Cool shirt 🙂
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]