I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
You Might Also Like
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
The government even made aliens boring
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.