For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.