*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
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A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee