[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
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Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I’m giving up for Lent.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
it is time once again
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I love it all
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”