Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Every. Damn. Time.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday