one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no