{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
wait.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan