*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies