Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
You Might Also Like
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere