to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
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Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Vodka burrito was a success
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Pot warmers of the day.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.