My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
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Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.