Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
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Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.