This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
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WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Breakfast for Stoners:
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase