I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
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Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
absolute chaos
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.