If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
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Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Stop being racist to kettles.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.