Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
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Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
inventing words: clothing
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I was just discussing this with my cat
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….