North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
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*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
#StillHurts
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher