[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
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{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Noah was an idiot.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
It has been 3 years since Monday.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.