This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
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I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
oh my gosh!!
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe